It's time for a new installment of Skip's Tips - a handy guide to bicycles, string theory, and the art of child rearing. Today we're going to talk about racing on your bicycle. I've compiled a few of my sage words of wisdom regarding the passtime of riding bikes real fast in order to gauge self-worth and fitness. They are in no particular order - except that they're in order of importance. Here they are:
1. It's nearly Spring here in the MiddleWestoftheUSA. The snow has largely melted into largely dangerously swollen rivers. Whenever possible, when out on your "training rides" stop and look at the rivers. Comment on how swollen they are. Chuckle to yourself and your riding partners that you just said "swollen" and move on down the road/trail/sidewalk/mall food court.
2. Remember, when "binge drinking" (or as I call it, "drinking") you should probably drink the same kind of liquor or beer all day or night or both. This keeps the hangover cures simpler and takes the guesswork out of what is making you "feel so bad."
3. Training is the act of riding your bike to increase your fitness. While I do not in any way condone getting any fitter than you are right now - you're perfect you beautiful pasty flabby wintery thing! - there are a few things that can help should you choose to ignore that first bit. Ride a heavy bike. No, I don't mean ride a Surly instead of your carpet fibre TDF rocket machine - I mean load your bike up with a bunch of shit. Whenever possible, add a WALD gigantic front basket and fill it with rocks and garbage. If you have the means pull a Burley trailer with your 39lb pre-schooler. Barring that, fill your shirt with cans of paint. Also you might:
4. Eating is important. I start each day with a bacon grease raw egg smoothie. It has bacon grease in it for quickness and a couple of raw eggs for rockiness. Remember, doubling over with the pukes is great for the abs.
5. I've said this many times and each time I do it sounds truer: I don't race because racism is wrong.
Remember kids, riding bikes is fun. No one ever anywhere has ever had any fun while racing their bike. They may say they had fun (or in bicycle parlance "podiumed") but they are lying their asses off. Racing hurts and you know it. Pain isn't fun for anyone but Army Rangers and people who wear cheese grater underwear. Slow it down and have a fun ride where you stop once in a while for a conversation or to knock back a cold one while looking out over fabulous vistas (or snaggly burnt-out slums). Enjoy yourself a little and stop trying to think you have to win all the time. Life is hard enough.