We’d like to take a moment to introduce a new member of our team to you. Her name is Kate and you’d be wise to listen up. She’s the person you might get on the phone or on the e-mails, so we wanted you to have a sense of who she is. What sordid twists and turns have occurred in her life to bring her here? By what unholy force was she compelled to join the Surly team? Let’s find out… together.
Nameless Interviewer: Let’s start out with an easy question. What sordid twists and turns have occurred in your life to bring you here?
Kate: Too many to count, let alone remember. I think I rode some Surlys and they worked good so I kept using them. Now I’m here. Wait, where am I again?
Nameless Interviewer: Why bikes? Why not skydiving or professional football or extreme needlepoint?
Kate: I’ve tried my hand at a lot of things including donut slinging, cleaning up clothes off a major hipster chain store’s floor, serving (but mostly eating) pizza, and tutoring third graders. Bikes were far less horrifying than all of those things combined.
Nameless Interviewer: Let’s say you’re at a musical performance or “rock concert” and you suddenly find that the band you’ve come to see has been replaced by Nickleback. What’s your next move?
Kate: Drop dead.
Nameless Interviewer: Which class of people is most harmful to the fabric of the universe? College Rugby players or six-year-olds with knives and a copy of a Stephen Hawking book?
Kate: I’m allergic to college sports so knives are automatically more appealing.
Nameless Interviewer: Where did you grow up, and how has that ruined you?
Kate: I grew up in the same place I live in now: Minneapolis. It ruined me because people that aren’t from here think I’m “Minnesota nice”. I don’t even know what that means.
Nameless Interviewer: If I were Terri Gross, I would ask poignant questions that would help us know more about what drives you. I am not. What is your favorite wheel size – and don’t say 29+.
Kate: 700C. Did you know the C stands for Cool?
Nameless Interviewer: If you could use one word to describe your first few weeks as a Surly Customer Service Team Professional Sandwich Artist, what would that word be?
Nameless Interviewer: Dirt or streets?
Kate: Having fallen on streets a lot I would say I would like to try to crash more on dirt over the next few years.
Nameless Interviewer: What’s the bike ride of your dreams?
Kate: Every time I have money to go to the beer store. In my dream life I will be able to take a long-ass tour in China, too.
Nameless Interviewer: What’s holding you back from achieving the ride of your dreams?
Kate: My lifelong inability to win anything useful, including massive amounts of cash money.
Nameless Interviewer: Have you ever been in a bar brawl?
Kate: Yes and I won against an adult dude. I am much tougher than I look for 5’6”. If you don’t want to be in one with me then please don’t dump an entire drink on me. Ever. Also a good rule of thumb in general.
Nameless Interviewer: I’ve met your dad. He’s pretty cool for a hippie. What is it about him that your’re most frightened about becoming yourself?
Kate: Thanks, he is a pretty cool dad. I am really hoping I don’t inherit his beard when it is filled with food crumbs and sauce.
Nameless Interviewer: What do you want the Surly world to know about you that we haven’t covered?
Kate: The swiftest path to not pissing me off is not “gifting” me a box of your aunt’s dusty old Mantovani records. That’s not cool. Even Mantovani doesn’t want those.
There she is, your new customer swervice contact at the Surly Bunker. Try to be cool to her, ok?