I Have Been Elected to Represent All Fat People Who Ride Bikes! Now Bow Down To Me! Plus New Pants!
So…we just came out with these really neat pants. They are pants for folks who ride bikes to live in. Ride, not ride, sleep, camp, whatever.
They have some extra layers in the crotchy area (sizzle) so the won’t be as easy to blow through down there from repeated hours in the saddle.
They’ve got some handy other features, like snaps on the drive side leg, so you can get them away from your drivetrain (that way you can avoid the hipster rollup, or the old weird guy ankle strap.)(I use a junk strap).
They have a holdy piece on the back for your U-lock.
They have darts at the knees for better “on the bike feel”, and they ride great. They also look nice, not fashionable, but nice. They have a looser fit than hipster pants (by quite a bit), though they aren’t nearly as roomy as Carhartts, which is what many of us ride in. They look fairly normal off the bike. But then again, what the hell does normal mean?
This is our first foray into the world of pants, and we approached it much the same way we do our bikes. We thought about what we want from a pair of pants, what we hate about all the other options out there, had some samples made and tested them. Had some more made, tested those and then ordered them to see what the rest of the world thinks. These are the result of all of that hard work.
The pants are available in these sizes 30 & 32x 32 inseam, 34-40x 34 (but really it’s a 36 read below)
There is one thing about the pants that didn’t quite go as planned. We have some really tall weird giants in this brand, each of who wears a 36 inseam in their trousers. When we had our samples made, the 36 inseam was too long for Wood (our handsome seven-footer), but the 34 fit him perfectly. So we went with that measurement, and that’s what we put on the tag in the pants.
Of course they fit like most other brands 36s, in fact they are even longer than some 36” inseamed pants out there (I just coined the phrase “inseamed”).
So if you are a giant, then you should try the 34’s and if they look like capri pants on you, we’ll make sure that you can return them to us (but not after you get your stinky sweaty biker ass all over them)(so make sure you’re sure before you fill them with funk)(or anything else for that matter).
Now what does that have to do with me being the newly elected representative for all the fatso bikers out there?
Because I am too fat to fit into a 40, we had some special pants made just for me, as an experiment (to see how they would fit and ride and all of that). And I’m quite the fan of them. (Mine are 44s by the way)
The experiment, then, is this: Are there other folks out there like me who are fatsos, who ride bikes a lot, and would like to have a pair of pants that don’t make them look like a balloon animal? If you are out there, you should send us an email with the word “fatsopants” in the subject line. That way we have an idea of just how many obese abominations of nature (like myself) there are out there who ride bikes.
You know who you are. You’re like me. When people hear that you ride a bike, they look at you sideways out of the corner of their eye quizzically, and say, “Oh, that’s great.” At least that’s what they say with their mouth, everything else says, “You don’t really ride your bike, at least not very much.” And by their standards that might be true. But in my experience it’s not. (Though I’ve actually had a Doctor call me up on the phone after my “blood work” came back from the lab to apologize for not believing me when I told him how much I rode my bike. He told me that my cholesterol numbers confirmed that I was not lying to him. Sweet guy, I brought him a helluva stool sample the next day.)
So fatsos you’re gonna have to wait for the pants fairy to shine down on you, everyone else, if you need them, we’ve got them.